I'm writing this on the train to Toronto.

I am going to crush some drinks with some old friends and my lovely lady. I leave for Morocco in a few days (more on that later this week, believe me) and wanna see them before I go.

A year ago, almost to the day, I was in this exact same position.

On the same train, going to see the same people at the same spot (the local Irish pub, my second home), about to leave for a few weeks in Hawaii.

Except there was one small difference...

I was fucking miserable.

I was dreading these drinks. Dreading letting loose for a night and spending some time with the people I love most.

I felt I didn't deserve them. I wasn't working hard enough. I could've done more today, yesterday, EVERYDAY.

I genuinely felt that I was a couple years away from ONE NIGHT to myself, enjoying my time. It was the absolute worst mental state I've been in in my life.

If you talk to anyone who knew me personally at the time, they'll tell you...

I was chewing through stims like gum, I went from >170lbs to <150, and most importantly...

Was making zero fucking progress.

I was burning myself out to combat the burnout.

I was pushing myself to "work harder" without having a CLUE on what the actual highest-leverage tasks I could be doing were.

I was punishing myself for not being "successful" by sitting at my desk and working. Wouldn't make myself a meal, wouldn't get some fresh air, sure as hell wouldn't go see the friends and family God gifted me with.

Coincidentally, nothing seemed to be working for me. I had 0 luck, 0 opportunities, nothing was "going my way..."

Lady Luck was punishing me for being a shut in.

It took a year of really fucking painful lessons to get myself out of it. Looking back, obviously I feel like an idiot. The argument was based on 0 logic, the emotions were completely misplaced -- there was no upside.

But that's usually how the nature of these lessons go, huh?

So, what changed?

A few things:

1. I realized that most of the "pressure" I had to be successful at a young age was external. It didn't come from an internal need -- it came from gurus, Gary Vee types, telling me what failure was and wasn't
2. I realized the important of meaningful work > volume of work. I read Deep Work by Cal Newport (a genuine must read, no matter how much you hate those type of books) and realized that 1hr of Deep Work = 4 hours "at my desk grinding"
3. I started seeing the looks in peoples faces. Genuine worry. I've always been a loose canon, always up to something -- the people around me have grown quite calloused to my ways. When me running away to different continents worried them LESS than sitting in my room working, I knew something was up

So, I made it a priority to start being introspective... oooooo, I know I know, so enlightened of me.

But seriously. I took inventory. Lined up all the dark shit on the mental table in front of me. Sorted out what truly served me and what didn't.

Here's what I found:

I really did enjoy working my ass off. But I enjoyed the challenge, the problem solving, the creative process. I didn't enjoy actual time at my desk... I enjoyed spending as much time as possible on the things that were stimulating.

This type of stimulation - "The Mission" - cannot be found anywhere else. No drug, no person, no place. Trust me, I've looked.

I also realized what I was working towards. It wasn't things, it wasn't, it wasn't even really people (although family IS a big motivator for me)...

It was time. Time to do what I love...

BUT, what I love to do is WORK. I don't want to have a 7figure exit and fuck off to a beach somewhere. If you gave me all the money in the world and 0 obligation to do anything, I'd just find a way to get myself into more shit.

So, I pivoted my work:

• I only focus on the work I enjoy. This happens to be the work I'm best at. That happens to be the things that make me the most money (caveat: that doens't mean I only get to do the fun shit. I'm not a CEO yet. I often have to lock down and grind the dirty work out. But the INTENTION behind it is to get back to the fun shit)
• I only work with people I enjoy. These happen to be the best clients. They happen to pay me the most money. There is ALWAYS a direct correlation between how much you like working with someone and how much money you'll make together
• I focused on efficiency. I focused on making every hour COUNT, every minute valuable. This meant focusing on life outside of work (mental and physical health, relationships, the usual) to MAKE those hours count
• I shifted the goals long-term. I stopped worrying about making money by 22, and focused on realizing my dreams by 30

So now, on my way to murder a Guinness with some of my favourite people, I don't have those piece of shit voices yelling at me to "GET BACK TO WORK!!"

I politely tell them to fuck off, knowing that they'll be quite pleased with the work that gets done tomorrow once I give myself some time to enjoy this life of mine.

I highly, highly recommend you take audit of your goals. Your expectations. The pressure you put on yourself.

Do you have your own best interest at heart?

Or are you playing on someone elses terms?

- RL